Wednesday, December 27, 2017

The F Word

There are times when I am convinced that we, our lives, are so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. That we are invisible specks in the invisible speck of the universe. The thought is humbling to no end.

And then there are times when every interaction, every happening, each word makes such a difference that I and my thoughts feel so important. That is when I realize I will never reach the depths of humility where you don’t believe in changing the world because your concept of that world is so vast. Your faith in the universe so deep. Nor will I ever reach the heights of indifference where I accept my inherited world. I will continue to give value to my lack of faith in humanity – until I am no longer a part of it.

Every time a mother laments about her daughter’s future – ‘she is already 25 years old, who will marry her now?’

Every time a woman compliments another woman – ‘she is so brave and strong – just like a man!’

Every time a young boy says ‘I can’t accept this iphone. It’s pink and that is for girls!!’

Every time a partner sarcastically (and sadly) spews, ‘your balls are bigger than mine’.

Every time a loved one asks me ‘aren’t you afraid of burning in hell?’

Every time they tell me that I should not harm their egos to keep them males.

I interrupt, I fight. I lose – the battle and the war. I leave or choose to be left.

And when I feel that immense sense of loss – of relationships, respect, love, and belonging – I look at my daughter. I tell her she is human and no matter what they tell you, your body is not anyone’s honour. Your respect for yourself is not anyone’s shame. Your choices are your right. Your purpose is not to seek the utopia of heaven where men claim their virgins. I tell her it is important to resist, no matter how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things. I tell her…we are significant.

If I stop grieving the loss of all the relationships – blood, water, or love – am I merciless? Or do I simply give too much value to the world my daughter grows up in?

I receive the F-word, Feminist – like a curse – oh so often.

I embrace both the F-words – like achievements – oh so often.

Yours truly,

The Fucking Feminist